One of the nuts I’ve been trying to crack for a while is the comment Senator Obama has made about an event in his life regarding his mother:
[…I’m thinking today about my mother. She died of ovarian cancer at the age of 53. She fought valiantly, and endured the pain and chemotherapy with grace and good humor. But I’ll never forget how she spent the final months of her life. At a time when she should have been focused on getting well, at a time when she should have been taking stock of her life and taking comfort in her family, she was lying in a hospital bed, fighting with her insurance company because they didn’t want to cover her treatment. They claimed that her cancer was a pre-existing condition.
So I know something about the heartbreak caused by our health care system…]
http://www.barackobama.com/2008/10/04/remarks_of_senator_barack_obam_129.php
Now Senator Obama would have been 33 or 34 at this time. If I known of or had seen my mother in this condition on a phone, I believe I would have added more to the story.
He doesn’t use the word rage or anger, he uses the word “heartbreak” The pain is happening to him. But not what he does about it then. It’s an odd dynamic.
I have, in my life, often been accused of “thinking like a man”. Someone on a first date in college told me that around 43 years ago. That was around the same time a college counselor (a woman) accusatorily wanted to know if my prime reason for college was to find the right man. Both statements stunned me because I had no frame of reference with which to interpret them. Yet both statements were based on the same evaluations of the age and thus, pronounced me, as naive.
Whatever thought process my (Horrors!)counselor was operating from, my date intuited something different as well. Throughout my life, I have pondered these comments, as reference points. A layer of information was added in 1992. When John Gray’s book came out, even though I intensely disliked most things about it, and his relationship with his ex-wife, at least one described relationship dynamic resonated with me. So, what is my point?
Some people are fixers. That is, upon your telling them a story, they try to find a way to fix it for you. They assume that since you are telling them this story, you also want their help. My husband often accuses me of this behavior. Adherents of the Mars-Venus view of life will tell you this is a male reaction. Perhaps it is one element that my college date saw. My personal herstory is the only lens to my understanding.
However, whether it is a male or female reaction, I do not see it indicated in the story telling of Senator Obama’s. For example, he does not say, ”I saw my mother struggling and I took the phone!” He does not say “…and I vowed I would do something about it!” He does not say “Mom, this is what you need to do!” He does not indicate indignation, blaming, rage, resolve; he indicates personal pain. He doesn’t tell you what he thinks about it, or how this experience gets him to a place where he still does not advocate universal health care.
No, Obama has the other reaction, that of the listener and sympathizer, or maybe even more correctly, that of viewer. Perhaps this is an acknowledgement of Ms. Dunham, and testament to her struggle: a desire not to diminish her by inserting himself into the story. If that is so, why has he chosen to use the story? Is it a kind of Christian forgiveness of the insurance companies? Or is it a stereotypical proscription to coup counting of the blows deep and frequent?
The person in the listener/sympathizer/viewer role does not take on the battle, but provides ventilation to the grievances. It’s a valuable and useful part of the communication process. Writers live this role, social workers use it, judges avail themselves of it, and decisions are made. However, these decisions are made dispassionately, without involvement in the original battle.
So, that takes me to the boy, whose stepfather told him to be the most powerful, or make peace with those that are. Life isn’t fair. Only, if you start off that way where do you wind up? In this context, if healthcare isn’t Obama’s battle, it can only have been enjoined in the cause of something else. Or else yet again, Senator Obama has failed to tell us something about himself. Anyone else have an idea?
I have no idea about the comment, but I identify with the fixer idea you mentioned, and have also been accused of being more man than woman in my behavior. It’s a messed up charge, so I consider that it puts me in a light of being ahead of the curve even while it marks the accuser as a caveman (or cavewoman as the case may be). Thanks for talking about your experience.
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